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Your Weekly Horoscope

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  • Your Weekly Horoscope

    Aries : March 21st - April 20th - this week your usual murderous impulses will be lessened by an excessive degree of vigorous self love. Cold showers, bromide and photographs of Meg Ryan will prove ineffective in cooling your unnatural ardour. All you can do is make sure you stay near somewhere you can enjoy absolute privacy and maintain good standards of personal hygiene.

    Taurus : April 21st - May 21st - it is important to take time out to relax from time to time and just get away from the daily grind. Sadly you do nothing but. This week you should make an effort to get out of your armchair once in a while, if only to turn off that tap that's been running for the last month or clear the congealed cartons of old milk from your fridge. That thing you smell? That's you that is, sort it out.

    Gemini : May 22nd - June 21st - this week you will be vexed by some very tricky decisions. Do I brush my teeth before breakfast or after breakfast? Do I wear those jeans for another day or put on a clean pair. I know they're tight to start with, but they always loosen up a bit after an hour or so. If you insist on perpetuating this horrible nightmarish existence, where you are crippled by the inability to make the simplest of choices then ask someone else to do it for you.

    Cancer : June 22nd - July 22nd - stop sleeping around you sl#t. The second person you have sex with this week will give you a dose of clap, so don't say I didn't warn you.

    Leo : July 23rd - August 22nd - in the middle of the week, during your usual 80 minute session of narcissistic indulgence in front of the hallway mirror, the Devil will leap out, drag your soul into hell and replace your own damned spirit with one of his demonic followers to inhabit your body and continue your life for you. Sorry about that.

    Virgo : August 23rd - September 23rd - are you sure the furniture in the sitting room is aligned perfectly to form the ideal focus to the room? What about the cutlery in the cutlery drawer, didn't you see a fork in the knife slot yesterday? Are you sure? Many people will tell you this sort of excessive nit-picking is not important, but believe me, it is. If you ruin your home and career through inattention to detail and sloppy corner-cutting you will end up living alone except for 40 cats, the perpetual hum of urine and children will run past your house screaming.

    Libra : September 24th - October 23rd - if only you were made King or Queen of the world, everyone would be a lot happier, wouldn't they? Well stay by the phone because you will be getting completely unrelated and coincidental telephone calls from every world leader on the planet this week, asking your advice. Don't give it away free though, the best thing to do is hold out and pretend you have an arsenal of nuclear weapons stashed on a Pacific Island, just ready for you to give the launch codes. That way they will bend the knee and you will rule at last.

    Scorpio : October 24th - November 22nd - this week you will have the opportunity to spread gossip about someone at work sleeping around. You will have the chance to nip it in the bud and tell the truth, exonerating your work colleague fully. But where's the fun in that? By embroidering the tale further when it reaches you, not only can you pass the story around again, but also increase its popularity and possibly cause the dismissal of a few professional rivals. Result!

    Sagittarius : November 23rd - December 21st - over the next 7 days you will be called upon to take the moral high ground in an incident involving dog faeces. Not only is this subject beneath you, so are the people who deign to speak to you, all of them, even family members. It will give you great satisfaction to merely tut in an irritated manner and turn away from their increasingly angry demands for an answer. Nearly inaudible muttering under your breath is also good, as is simply repeating all their words in a whining, mocking voice.

    Capricorn : December 23rd - January 20th - your patience will be sorely tested at the weekend due to someone with hiccups sitting near you as you try to eat. You will find your gullet involutarily mimicking their convulsions, causing you to choke whenever you swallow a mouthful of food. To prevent this, it is important that you only eat when surrounded by broken glass scattered in a 20ft radius about you.

    Aquarius : January 21st - February 19th - your continued bladder weakness causes yet more embarrassment in a social situation. It will come as a great relief early in the week, when you choose to simply stand on a table, yank down your garments and liberally empty your bladder on everyone and everything in range, whilst shrieking, "And there's more where that came from!" If there are more Aquarians in the room, try to organise a way to carefully share the available tables, to avoid potentially dangerous situations as you scramble desperately over the slippery surfaces.

    Pisces : February 20th - March 20th - much as you love your family and friends, by Thursday you will be forced to admit that, rather ironically given your sign, you are literally becoming a fish. The shiny scales you have been finding in the bedsheets, the gills growing on your neck, these warning signs have been ignored too long. Go back to the oceans my friends and be free.
    "You're a big man, but you're in bad shape. With me, it's a full time job."
    Lt. Bromhead to Prince Dabulamanzi before the Battle of Rorke's Drift.

  • #2
    smile when you call me a s*lut .......... o.O
    Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says " oh crap....she's awake!~


    • #3
      Leaders of the world bow before me!


      • #4
        I'm off to grab my third shower of the day


        • #5
          But, I have showered, washed the drapery, and thrown the soured milk out. I'm going to be an armchair general for the Brits vs. Zulus game in about six hours. I haven't been relaxing at all lately... I have my suspicions this horoscope is highly inaccurate...


          • #6
            Which table shall I choose? Hmm...
            The eyes!, the EYES!!

            ...tapping fingers impatiently...


            • #7
              Originally posted by RogerB View Post
              Which table shall I choose? Hmm...

              try for one at a GOP primary function ...... and drink lots of water beforehand
              Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says " oh crap....she's awake!~


              • #8
                Aries : March 21st - April 20th - the week ahead is full of opportunities to gain advancement at work. You will be given the chance to Sumo wrestle for that promotion you've been after and the person you're up against is a good 20lbs lighter, with unattractively bulging eyes that you can hurl the ceremonial salt into before the actual fight begins. Mercy is for the weak!

                Taurus : April 21st - May 21st - timekeeping will be an issue for you this week and those close to you may lose patience with being constantly kept waiting. Just remember, when the yellow God is in the sky, it is daytime, and when the evil white Goddess sneers down at you, telling you to start fires and eat the forbidden flesh, it is nightime. The rest is pretty easy to pick up.

                Gemini : May 22nd - June 21st - cats and dogs will find you irresistable this week and you will be continually trailed by several dozen animals, all thoughts of inter-species animosity temporarily banished as they bask in your magnificence. It won't last forever though, so try to make some of them walk on their hinds legs or talk for you while they are still under you control. That way you can make money by selling the video to one of those TV shows.

                Cancer : June 22nd - July 22nd - this week you will suffer a slight knock to the head and your sense of smell will be replaced by mental images of movie cowboys. For instance, lavender may make you see Gary Cooper, garlic could be Lee Van Cleef, fresh cut grass a young John Wayne (like in 'Stagecoach', before he got so baggy and moved like a cow with an udder full of milk).

                Leo : July 23rd - August 22nd - hats will amuse you this week, causing you you stifle the giggles whenever you see one for fear of giving offence. People who put decorative hairbands on bald babies, however, will sicken you to your core.

                Virgo : August 23rd - September 23rd - an ill-defined omen of impending embarrassment will haunt you this week, causing you to check and double check such minor details as vomit down your shirt or a bird trapped in your hair. It'll happen eventually, and it'll involve your feet, that's all I'm saying.

                Libra : September 24th - October 23rd - this week you'll be overcome by the urge to adopt the mannerisms of Judd Nelson. Hopefully your continual nostril flaring, undeserved air of superiority and glowering looks from under floppy hair won't alienate too many of your friends before it wears off.

                Scorpio : October 24th - November 22nd - it's a particularly sexy time for Scorpios this week, so much so that simply performing the act won't be enough, you'll need to bellow at the top of your voice, telling everybody within earshot exactly what you are doing. Your partner's needs are unimportant so don't waste time thinking how they feel about it.

                Sagittarius : November 23rd - December 21st - the day of reckoning has come for a neighbour who has been slightly annoying you over the last few months. It's time to sort it out once and for all this week in a formal duel. Remember to slap them in the face with a glove as you challenge them, but without looking directly at their face. They hate that.

                Capricorn : December 23rd - January 20th - Your lucky number this week is the square root of minus one, your lucky colour is a sort of yellowish, grey-brown, like the colour of Helena Bonham-Carter's teeth, and your lucky word is 'discharge'.

                Aquarius : January 21st - February 19th - money worries force you into violent crime this week but a distant relative will suffer from amnesia, allowing you to pin the whole caper on them and persuade them into confessing. Don't forget to pay 'Big Tony' what you owe for the shooters though, because you don't want him knocking on your door looking to collect, know what I mean?

                Pisces : February 20th - March 20th - a particularly interesting book has got your attention lately and it's all you can do not to spend every waking hour with your nose buried in its pages. Unfortunately you will soon make the decision to read it in the toilet, causing you to lose track of time and stay on the seat until your arse turns inside out and drops down into the bowl. Whatever you do, don't flush while your guts are in there or you could be turned completely inside out.
                "You're a big man, but you're in bad shape. With me, it's a full time job."
                Lt. Bromhead to Prince Dabulamanzi before the Battle of Rorke's Drift.


                • #9
                  I don't need a knock to the head to "see" things .............. my cowboys are more modern and less clothing
                  Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says " oh crap....she's awake!~


                  • #10
                    Yellow God? Does this mean the King in Yellow is stalking me? Cripes, knew I shouldn't have gone out drinking in Innsmouth.


                    • #11
                      hats...heeeeeeeeeeeeeheeeheeheeheeheeheehee*snort* heeheeheeheehee
                      Sitting in the barber's chair, waiting for a haircut that will never come...


                      • #12
                        Walked past the body shop today and the smell was like some hellish mix of the good the bad and the ugly and paint your wagon....

                        There might be something in this horoscope lark...
                        CMON Gallery / Me on Putty&Paint/ Wamp Gallery / Black Hand Painting Blog
                        Originally posted by TheProdigalGamer
                        You people scare me


                        • #13
                          Aries : March 21st - April 20th - being a fire sign, it should be of no surprise to hear that you will be liable for spontaneous combustion this week. Try to stay away from long curtains and close to a source of running water.

                          Taurus : April 21st - May 21st - efforts to lose weight may reach ridiculous levels this week with attempts to substitute organic food for minerals instead. It can be difficult to deal with society's expectations of the ideal body, but ingesting dust and rocks is taking it way too far and will do you no good.

                          Gemini : May 22nd - June 21st - this week is a particularly auspicious time for growing excess body hair as it is likely to luxuriant and glossy with the faint aroma of new shoes. So throw that razor away and go for it!

                          Cancer : June 22nd - July 22nd - an odd dent will appear in your sternum this week, like a tiny bowl. Whilst it will no doubt seem alarming at first, eventually you will find it ideal for keeping snacks in whilst laying down. It is likely to pop back into shape suddenly around Saturday evening though, so be careful you haven't got anything in there that might stain the sheets.

                          Leo : July 23rd - August 22nd - your sexual orientation is likely to be confused this week, with you 'changing buses' back and forth several times, like a once popular Hollywood actress trying to make herself more interesting to the media. Unfortunately there is no way of knowing which way you will end up when it all runs its course, so the best I can recommend is to keep your options open relationship-wise and try to prepare your partner for a turbulent time.

                          Virgo : August 23rd - September 23rd - the effort of speech may all seem too much like hard work for you this week, with you replacing your ordinary method of communication with a series of tongue clicks and the rolling of your eyes. Sadly people are unlikely to have the time to learn your new language before the end of the week. Their loss anyway.

                          Libra : September 24th - October 23rd - why not take in a good movie this week? It will help to soften the blow when you realise someone has broken into your house and nailed all your furniture to the ceiling.

                          Scorpio : October 24th - November 22nd - your face will smell of yeast this week, owing to the fact that you have developed an odd yeasty face. You can of course try to disguise the smell with strong perfumes and such, but carrying a newly baked loaf of bread around your neck is another clever way to 'throw people off the scent'!

                          Sagittarius : November 23rd - December 21st - the urge to run naked in the garden singing show tunes may well prove too much to fight. If you disguise your voice whilst singing you may just be able to convince outraged neighbours it was an imposter cheekily wearing your skin.

                          Capricorn : December 23rd - January 20th - your psychic antenna will be quivering with sensitivity this week, so don't be surprised if you are able to guess what playing card someone has chosen, or who it was that really broke wind in the lift. You will also be able to temporarily channel the spirits of the once living, but only Polish people for some reason, which might be fairly useless if you don't speak Polish.

                          Aquarius : January 21st - February 19th - this week is a great time to take out a new loan, that conveniently consolidates all your exisiting debts into a single affordable monthly payment. Try not to think about the time five years down the line, when all those debts you consolidated would have been utterly cleared and you still have fifteen years of payments to make. Your kids probably aren't clever enough to have gone to college anyway.

                          Pisces : February 20th - March 20th - how beautiful you feel this week, because you really are beautiful. No really, you're gorgeous ... I don't suppose I could ... no, that's probably going too far. Perhaps I could just have a photograph or two? Nothing crude, all very artistic and tasteful ... yes? Great, get one leg up on that coffee table and the other round your neck while I rub goose fat on you.
                          "You're a big man, but you're in bad shape. With me, it's a full time job."
                          Lt. Bromhead to Prince Dabulamanzi before the Battle of Rorke's Drift.


                          • #14
                            Jokes on them when they try to nail my fish tank to the ceiling. Suckers....


                            • #15
                              Apologies for the lateness of this week's horoscope. It was due to unforeseen circumstances.
                              "You're a big man, but you're in bad shape. With me, it's a full time job."
                              Lt. Bromhead to Prince Dabulamanzi before the Battle of Rorke's Drift.