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Thread: Laugh

      
   
  1. #1
    Enlightened Wamp wiccanpony's Avatar
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    Laugh

    A thread to post jokes, funny pictures, stories real and fictional ....anything that makes one smile and laugh. Besides Billys knees, DL shirt and Waghorn's coconuts


    ------------------------
    Dilbert's Words of Wisdom
    -------------------------

    1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

    2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound the make as they go flying by.

    3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

    4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

    5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

    6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

    7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

    8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

    9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

    10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

    11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?!"

    12. My Reality Check bounced.

    13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

    14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

    15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

    16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

    17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

    18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

  2. #2
    Wamp Member
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    Simply because it was the latest email I received...


    The Bathtub Test

    During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do
    You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

    "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
    teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

    "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
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    "No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
    "...but sorry looks like a primary school project!" - my best review yet! :thumbsup:

  3. #3

    Wamp Guru
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    At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. 'What do you do with the candle drippings?'

    'Good question,' noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

    'Oh,' replied the tax auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: 'What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

    'Ah, yes,' replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.'

    'I see,' replied the tax man, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi,' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

    'Here, too, we do not waste,' answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick '.
    "I lOVE your attitude Wag - painting for the hell of it, because you want to - one of the best things I did was invite you over here as to me you invoke the wamp spirit perfectly." - thankyou DL !

    "...you've done things with Blood Bowl Orcs that I wouldn't have thought possible. Certainly wouldn't have thought they were sensible!..." - Lobo, Iron Painter 8 competition

  4. #4
    Wamp Guru RogerB's Avatar
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    You have two cows...

    SOCIALISM
    You have 2 cows.
    You give one to your neighbour.

    COMMUNISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and gives you some milk.

    FASCISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and sells you some milk.

    NAZISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and shoots you.

    BUREAUCRATISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws themilk away...

    TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
    You have two cows.
    You sell one and buy a bull
    Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
    You sell them and retire on the income.

    SURREALISM
    You have two giraffes.
    The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
    Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

    ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
    You have two cows.
    You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute adebt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
    The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder whosells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annualreport says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with ninecows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public then buys your bull.

    THE ANDERSEN MODEL
    You have two cows.
    You shred them.

    A FRENCH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because youwant three cows.

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
    You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' andmarket it worldwide.

    A GERMAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, andmilk themselves.

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
    You decide to have lunch.

    A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You count them and learn you have five cows.
    You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
    You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
    You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

    A SWISS CORPORATION
    You have 5000 cows None of them belong to you.
    You charge the owners for storing them.

    A CHINESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You have 300 people milking them.
    You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
    You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

    AN INDIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You worship them.

    A BRITISH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    Both are mad.

    AN IRAQI CORPORATION
    Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
    You tell them that you have none.
    No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a
    Democracy....

    A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    The one on the left looks very attractive.

    AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    Business seems pretty good.
    You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
    The eyes!, the EYES!!

    ...tapping fingers impatiently...

  5. #5

    Wamp Guru
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    A man gets a parrot as a pet. Unfortunately the only words it utters are profanities, along with terrible screeching and sqawking. The man tries to teach the parrot polite words and calm it down with good food and soothing music. But nothing works. After one outburst from the parrot the man throws up his hands and screams at the parrot, the parrot screams back. In desparation the man grabs the parrot and shuts it in the freezer. Screeching and squawking go on for a full minute when suddenly the noise from the freezer stops. Fearing he may have hurt the parrot the man opens the door.

    A subdued parrot walks calmly out and looks at the man.

    "I realise that my behaviour and language have not been appropriate and may have caused you considerable offence. Please accept my apologies and be assured that I will try to mend my ways and be a better companion."

    The man is astounded and is about to speak when the parrot continued,

    "Pray tell, what did the turkey do?"
    "I lOVE your attitude Wag - painting for the hell of it, because you want to - one of the best things I did was invite you over here as to me you invoke the wamp spirit perfectly." - thankyou DL !

    "...you've done things with Blood Bowl Orcs that I wouldn't have thought possible. Certainly wouldn't have thought they were sensible!..." - Lobo, Iron Painter 8 competition

  6. #6
    Enlightened Wamp wiccanpony's Avatar
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    Good For Her
    -------------------------

    A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
    Her husband watches her for a while and asks:

    "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
    The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says,

    "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only
    am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

    The husband replies:

    "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"

    "Your name never came up," she replied
    Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says " oh crap....she's awake!~

  7. #7

    Wamp Incarnate
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    The Man RulesAt last a guy has taken the time to write this all down




    Finally, the guys' side of the story.

    We always hear 'the rules' From the female side ...Now here are the rules from the male side.


    These are our rules!
    Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
    ON PURPOSE!




    1. Men are NOT mind readers.

    1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down.
    You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

    1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

    1. Crying is blackmail.

    1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
    Subtle hints do not work!
    Strong hints do not work!
    Obvious hints do not work!
    Just say it!

    1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

    1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

    1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

    1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
    Don't ask us.

    1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

    1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

    1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

    1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

    1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

    1. If it itches, it will be scratched..
    We do that.

    1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

    1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

    1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

    1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports

    1. You have enough clothes.

    1. You have too many shoes.

    1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

    1. Thank you for reading this.

    Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
    But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
    Available for Commissions Like my Facebook Page: Brett Johnson Designs

    Shop at the Wampstore Wamp Corporate

  8. #8
    Enlightened Wamp EldinTux's Avatar
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    :applause :mrgreen: :damnfunny :bestpost: :ROFL :agree: :lmao: :laugh

    Need I say more

  9. #9
    Enlightened Wamp wiccanpony's Avatar
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    apologies to both priests and lawyers



    -------------------------
    > Marriage in Heaven
    > -------------------------
    >
    > On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found
    > themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting
    > they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
    >
    > When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know.
    > This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
    >
    > The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons.
    > If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it
    > doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
    >
    > Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get
    > married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get
    > a divorce in Heaven?"
    >
    > St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
    >
    > "OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take
    > to find a lawyer???"
    >
    Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says " oh crap....she's awake!~

  10. #10

    Wamp Guru
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    :ROFL :damnfunny :lmao: :applause

 

 
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