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Thread: Laugh

      
   
  1. #11

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    An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

    She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
    He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

    She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

    The two sat sipping in silence.

    A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

    He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

  2. #12

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    Nominated as the best short joke of the year...

    I'm sure Liz, Boris and the witch will appreciate this one


    A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

    'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
    'Not yet,' she replied.

  3. #13

    Wamp Incarnate
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    that cowboy ones great
    Available for Commissions Like my Facebook Page: Brett Johnson Designs

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  4. #14

    Wamp Apostle
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    What's E.T. short for?










    Because he's only got ickle legs...
    Awards:
    Top Referrer
    "We can categorically state that we have not released man-eating badgers into the area" - UK military spokesman Major Mike Shearer
    "I think they should all be topless, they're just more fun that way" - Vegascat
    "I once hit a guy in the face with a crap" - NeatPete
    "The doctor put me on a course of placebos," said the lady in the straw hat. "But I don't take them. I'm saving them all up for a mock suicide attempt."
    "Unleash a rancid potpourri of lunacy!" - Games Workshop Website.
    "I used to be Sheogorath but I took an arrow to the knee."

  5. #15

    Wamp Apostle
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    What's blue and doesn't fit?


    A dead epileptic.
    Awards:
    Top Referrer
    "We can categorically state that we have not released man-eating badgers into the area" - UK military spokesman Major Mike Shearer
    "I think they should all be topless, they're just more fun that way" - Vegascat
    "I once hit a guy in the face with a crap" - NeatPete
    "The doctor put me on a course of placebos," said the lady in the straw hat. "But I don't take them. I'm saving them all up for a mock suicide attempt."
    "Unleash a rancid potpourri of lunacy!" - Games Workshop Website.
    "I used to be Sheogorath but I took an arrow to the knee."

  6. #16
    Enlightened Wamp wiccanpony's Avatar
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    > Americans Vs Russians
    > -------------------------
    >
    > The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
    >
    > One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
    >
    > The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
    >
    > When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
    >
    > When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
    >
    > The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
    >
    > "That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
    >
    Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says " oh crap....she's awake!~

  7. #17

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    :ROFL :ROFL :ROFL
    :damnfunny :lmao:

  8. #18

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    lol, i like it
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  9. #19
    Enlightened Wamp wiccanpony's Avatar
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    -------------------------
    > Genuine Complaint to Edinburgh Police
    > -------------------------
    >
    > Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service
    >
    > Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this meassage on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouji board.
    >
    > As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring sytem works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.
    >
    > The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortuneatly they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.
    >
    > What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.
    >
    > I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.
    >
    > I remain sir, your obedient servant
    >
    > ?????????
    >
    >
    >
    > Mr ??????,
    >
    > I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.
    >
    > As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.
    >
    > Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.
    >
    > Regards
    >
    >
    > PC ???
    >
    > ?????????????
    >
    > Community Beat Officer
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > Dear PC ?????
    >
    > First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.
    >
    > Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.
    >
    > Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.
    >
    > Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.
    >
    > Regards
    >
    > ???????
    >
    >
    > P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department.
    >
    Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says " oh crap....she's awake!~

  10. #20
    Enlightened Wamp wiccanpony's Avatar
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    What Men Really Mean
    > -------------------------
    >
    > I'M GOING FISHIN."
    > Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
    >
    > "IT'S A GUY THING."
    > Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
    >
    > "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
    > Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
    >
    > "UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR."
    > Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
    >
    > IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN."
    > Really means..."I have no idea how it works.
    >
    > "TAKE A BREAK, HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
    > Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
    >
    > "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
    > Really means...."Are you still talking?"
    >
    > "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
    > Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
    >
    > " WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
    > Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
    >
    > "OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
    > Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
    >
    > "I CAN'T FIND IT."
    > Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
    >
    > "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
    > Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
    >
    > "I HEARD YOU."
    > Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well the next 3 days yelling at me."
    >
    > "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
    > Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
    >
    > "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
    > Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
    >
    > "I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
    > Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
    >
    > "WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
    > Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
    >
    Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says " oh crap....she's awake!~

 

 
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